Let me preface this edition of In From the Bullpen by warning my readers that this is largely a dude-focused post. This is for all of you guys out there who will, for the next twelve weeks, be rolling out of bed at 11:49 AM, stumbling downstairs to the La-Z-Boy, and watching 2 consecutive episodes of SportsCenter in only your boxers. At some point you will stumble back to the kitchen to grab a roll of Girl Scout Cookies, a Mountain Dew, and a couple of Hot Pockets. While you proceed to watch Around the Horn, PTI, and a random but awesome documentary about Hitler on the History Channel, just promise me that you'll make sure to brush the Cheetos dust off your belly and turn yourself over once every couple of hours--nothing can ruin a summer like bed sores.
Before I get going on our main topic, I would like to address an important issue that, for whatever reason, I have been observing more and more often lately. Even though I am admittedly one to butt in and offer my opinion on a whole plethora of topics, I have deliberately kept my mouth shut when I hear folks discussing this specific issue. To be quite frank, however, things have gone too far; the blatant bigotry and hatred have pushed me to the point where, at the advice of several of my fellow Alumni Hall Dawgs, I feel obligated to stand up and say something. The fact is, Nickelback is pretty damn awesome and does not warrant any of the disrespect the haters continue to sling their way. Now, Nickelback's violent sound, brash approach, and racy themes may not be your cup of tea, but damn it, you will respect them. Though I myself am rather indifferent to Nickelback's music and have only a handful of their songs in my iTunes, I know enough to bow in the presence of greatness when I come across it. In fact, I have observed a trend over the years that can be summarized by the following postulate: For every President the people of the United States of America elect, Nickelback will crank out an average of five or six hits. Honestly, how many bands can say that? While you sit in your dorm room toiling in your petty studies, Nickelback is out doing whatever they want and having a ball while they're at it. For the love of God, you will let Chad and the gang be as they continue their quest to convert the non-believers of this world.
Now that I have that out of my system, it's time to discuss one of the major phenomenons that every guy, regardless of race, creed, color, or socioeconomic status, experiences quite often in his life: the man crush. (Note I left out sexual orientation, because then we're talking about a straight-up crush, and as a God-fearing, red meat-eating, straight male, I feel I'm not the right person to delve into that topic.) Why do I bring up the man crush here? Well, besides the fact that I've had more than my fair share of drama with the sex that plays softball this past semester and am sick of their shenanigans, it's summer. And because my summer pretty much consists of baseball, country music, Dudasik parties, big fat Chipotle burritos, and blasting Def Leppard with my windows down and a mean look on my face while an old couple named Harold and Betty sit next to me in their Buick at a red light, no other season can so beautifully evoke the feelings of bromance. The man crush can indeed leave a man questioning his own manhood as he finds himself Google Image-ing and talking about his man crush on the reg. But never fear. Such homage is not only allowed; it is encouraged.
While women fumble around with Gossip Girl, US Weekly, and Kate Middleton (was that Sarah Burton wedding dress not breathtaking?!), we dudes choose not to partake in such fleeting tomfoolery. No sir. Instead, we are extraordinarily particular when selecting a man crush. There is no "short-term" in this ballgame, ladies and gentlemen (in case ladies actually stuck around long enough to read this far). It has to be perfect--you want to live vicariously through this individual for years to come. As for me, I currently have two man crushes:
Kenny Chesney
Chesney is boss. The only things he cares about are Corona, beaches, and high school football. I really can't say much more.
Gordon Beckham
Gordon Beckham may be the hottest thing to hit the Big Leagues since Rocker's two-seam fastball and flaring temper came to New York in '99. I know what you're thinking. That .220 average Gordo is sporting right now isn't too sexy. The boy's coming around though, and besides, he's hitting 1.000 in the being-damn-good-looking category. Gordon's baseball prowess and general sexiness prove that you can indeed have your cake and eat it, too.
Speaking of cake, I leave you with yet another classic scene from American cinema; Bruce Bogtrotter could say a thing or two about simultaneously having and eating cake (Subtitles included in case our audience has crept south of the border). Enjoy.
Kenny Chesney
Chesney is boss. The only things he cares about are Corona, beaches, and high school football. I really can't say much more.
Gordon Beckham
Gordon Beckham may be the hottest thing to hit the Big Leagues since Rocker's two-seam fastball and flaring temper came to New York in '99. I know what you're thinking. That .220 average Gordo is sporting right now isn't too sexy. The boy's coming around though, and besides, he's hitting 1.000 in the being-damn-good-looking category. Gordon's baseball prowess and general sexiness prove that you can indeed have your cake and eat it, too.
Speaking of cake, I leave you with yet another classic scene from American cinema; Bruce Bogtrotter could say a thing or two about simultaneously having and eating cake (Subtitles included in case our audience has crept south of the border). Enjoy.
haha
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