Setting things straight

A few days ago, Dan wrote a post which covered a wide variety of topics.  While I value the magnitude of being twenty years old, summer comas, man crushes, and Kenny Chesney, I'd like to make it very clear that the world would be a much better place without Nickleback.

Nickleback

Now I'm not saying that I don't understand the allure of Nickleback.  I was drawn in for a brief period of time somewhere between April and June of 2007.  I'm not proud of this period of my life, but I'm willing to admit that it occurred.  This allure must have been what Dan was referring to when he said that while he was "indifferent" to Nickleback, he did respect them.  This is bad.

Just admitting that Nickleback has an allure does not mean that it's acceptable to fall prey to them.  Circe had an allure, but spending a year on her island definitely wasn't a good move by Odysseus.  Like Circe though, Nickleback is pretty hard to resist at first, cause their songs mean something, man.  They're talking to ME!  I'm a rebellious teen, man, and finally somebody understands me.

 No.

I have found that my enjoyment of a band's music in the long-term is pretty much 100% directly correlated to the amount of fun I think I would have if I hung out with them.  Let's take a quick survey of the bands in my iTunes most played list.

Ben Folds - Absolutely would be fun to hang out with

New Radicals - It would definitely be fun to hang out with these dudes.  Especially the man on the left

Billy Joel - Yes!

Steely Dan - Obviously (Bonus points for being named after a vibrator)

O.A.R. - Questionable levels of metrosexuality, but you know that they get ladies.  So yes.

Counting Crows - Deep talks bro.  (Bonus points for being friends with the Best QB in the world)

Nickleback - Over/under on time I could spend in the same room as these guys before jumping out a window: 74.5 seconds

According to a dead link to Rolling Stone found on wikipedia (can a source get any more credible?), Nickleback was named because bassist Mike Kroeger, brother of lead singer Chad (douchey blonde Jesus), used to give nickles as change to his customers when he worked as a barista at Starbucks.  I imagine the conversation going something like this.

Chad: I want to REACH OUT to these kids man, cause I know what they're going through man.  I think my life is way fuckin' harder than it is too man, and I want these kids to know that if they want to blow that shit out of proportion and feel sorry for themselves, they can do it man.  [slightly off key minor power chord blasts through the garage]
Mike: Yeah man.  But we can't have a band unless we have a name. 
Chad: I know man, but we need to get our message out there RIGHT AWAY.  [a single tear rolls down his cheek]
Mike: Wait.
[Chad cocks his head, mouth slightly agape, eyes widen]
Mike: Today, I was working at Starbucks, which is where all artists go man.
Chad: We're totally artists man.  Such artists.
Mike: That's what I'm telling everyone man.  But today, I was working, and this guy ordered a $1.95 cup of coffee.
Chad: Whoa.
Mike: And he gave me TWO dollars instead of $1.95.
Chad: Whoa.
Mike: I think most people would have kept it, but because I'm a caring man, which is sometimes hard to see through my dark exterior, making me hard to understand and appreciate, I gave him a nickle back.  That's what we should name our band, cause we're caring, dark, mysterious, and artists.

Nickleback has had reasonable success over the past ten years, even managing to land the top hit of the year in 2002 with "How You Remind Me."  Amazingly, this song has two choruses, and one "verse" that poetically states "It's not like you didn't know that / I said I love you and I swear I still do / And it must have been so bad / Cause living with me must have damn near killed you," before going back into repetition of the first half of the song.


DEEP.


POWERFUL.


MYSTERIOUS.


Upon reading the draft for our loveable lefty's post, I immediately asked myself, "Young William, Dan isn't a douche.  How did he get caught up in the douchiest band ever?"


I pondered this for a while, but luckily Sports Pickle came in to save the day.

Once again, being a fan of the White Sox leaves the fly ball of appreciation I have for Dan Finan to be caught at the warning track.  After extensive research, I've learned from what I assume is a viable source, that the White Sox are officially the Douchiest Team in Professional Sports (brought to you by tribal tattoos and v-neck tees).  Perennially outspoken and perennially underperforming, the White Sox are the equivalent of Darrin Jackson in the booth.  Wait, they already covered that.  The White Sox are the equivalent of somebody who thinks all the girls sweat him.  Yes.  That's it.


While cheering for the White Sox isn't all that terrible on its own, like all douchey things it creates a slippery slope that leads to other douchey things, such as thinking that Nickleback produces quality music.  So next time that you see a six-foot, left-handed ginger roaming free, please turn him around towards the path of righteousness.  We can't let this rebelliousness spread.